


playing on my mind

by artificialmac



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Based on a The 1975 Song, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, Just angst, Like that's it, Mild Blood, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26572564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artificialmac/pseuds/artificialmac
Summary: Jackie shows up to Jan’s place, like she has so many times before, but this time her hand is bleeding and her heart isn’t in much better shape.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	playing on my mind

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t really know how to describe my writing process, especially when it comes to fics like this.  
> If u follow me on Tumblr u know I’ve been rewatching House M.D. and feeling (tm) things. I needed to work out my feelings about the show and the only way I know how to do that is to project those feelings/situations onto drag queens. And now… this.
> 
> I really love this song too, so if you wanna check it out: Playing On My Mind - The 1975

_Will I live and die in a band?_  
_My consciousness controls my hand_

Jackie stood outside the all too familiar oak door, with a pit in her stomach and her bleeding hand. 

She knocked a few seconds ago. Or at least she thought she had. Her vision was blurry, either from lack of blood or the shots she’d downed earlier, she wasn’t sure.

She knocked again. Louder this time. 

And that must have done it because she heard shuffling, and the porch light nearly blinded her a moment later.

_She can't swim very well_  
_(oh, you wouldn't be able to tell)_

Jan looked tired.

“What are you doing here?”

Jan looked beautiful.

“Throwing proverbial rocks,” Jackie’s lips curved up slightly, playful even in the knowledge that Jan was angry. “Didn’t seem to work all that well.” Jackie held up her hand as evidence of this. 

Jan looked at her hard, the cool blue of her eyes washing away bits of anger like waves.

She swung the door open wider and pressed herself against the wall, putting as much space as possible between their bodies as Jackie passed.

_Let's find something to watch then watch our phones for half the time_  
_When we go for food, you have yours and I'll have mine_

Jackie made her way slowly, purposefully through the doorway and straight toward the living room.

The couch felt harder on her worn muscles than it usually did. She wanted to ask Jan if it was just her that felt the same weakness in her bones when they were apart, but she thought better of it when she heard the longsuffering sigh a moment later.

Jan disappeared for a beat, only rounding the corner a few seconds later with a damp dishtowel and the first aid kit Jackie knew she kept hidden under the kitchen sink. 

The younger woman sat neatly on the floor, avoiding eye contact as she laid out her various tools on the well-worn carpet. Jackie pushed away the memory of the time she had knocked her knee on the table so hard she spilled Jan’s takeout food all over it. 

A deep brown stain now the only evidence of her presence anymore.

_It says, "Don't take these pills if you've been drinking any wine”_

Jan bit her tongue as she applied the Neosporin to Jackie’s cut. Wincing at the pain she was inflicting, and if Jackie were in a better mood she would crack a joke about how Jan always was too emotional for these things. 

She didn’t have the stomach to hurt other people. 

_Oh, these things, they have been playing on my mind_

That’s where she and Jackie differed. 

_These things, they have been playing on my mind_

Where Jan was all sunshine and funfetti and crying in the shower, Jackie was nails and the smell of motor oil and keeping a nightlight on.

They had gotten good at it. 

At being Jan and Jackie. 

At being the polar opposites that everyone had come to expect them to be. They butted heads at work and cursed each other out to friends… and kept porch lights on for nights like this.

When the time between sunset and sunrise felt limitless.

And the pain in their lungs clawed its way up to their hearts. 

And they both would call it loneliness because it was easier to spell than love.

_I think I've seen the side of every road_  
_They all lead somewhere, I've been told_

They worked in all the ways they shouldn’t.

Jan wasn’t all sunshine and Jackie wasn’t all nails. And they both knew it because they didn’t have any other choice but to know each other completely. 

So completely, so wholly, so painfully.

_Will I get divorced when I'm old?_  
_(Oh, why am I always cold?)_

Jackie wished - if she believed in a higher power she would pray - that one day she would wake up and be cured. 

That one day Jan wouldn’t complete her.

That the jagged puzzle pieces that made up her body wouldn’t feel the need to uselessly press against Jan’s perfectly cut edges.

The way they had so many times before.

_And I met one of your friends and it was dead nice, he was fine_  
_But he said things that interest me exist outside of space and time_

Jan had tried to move on.

Had taken up a new address and a new boyfriend and a new job that featured a whole lot less of Jackie. 

And yet somehow they had only come to see more of each other over the weeks. 

Jackie bitterly joked that Jan was pretty shit at moving on and Jan had looked at her in that horribly cutting way as if to say: 

‘At least I tried; what’s your excuse?’

_Now, I know I should've left it, but who says that? What a sigh_  
_It all kicked off and it's been playing on my mind_

The worst thing about it was that they never even did anything.

Jackie would have felt justified for feeling so… weak if they had been having an affair. If they had even kissed for god sake, but they never did.

They would sit across from each other, fighting about nothing. And that fighting would turn to flirting, or maybe it always had been. 

Then Jan would say it was late and Jackie wouldn’t fight her anymore. 

_The whole thing has been playing on my mind_

Then Jackie had gone and messed it all up.

She started flirting more openly, making passes at Jan when no one else was around, smirking too wide, batting her eyes too obviously.

Then Jackie kissed her.

Right in the middle of the hallway when Jan was talking about some budgeting cuts that Jackie couldn’t give less of a shit about.

Jan just froze in place.

_I think it's strange that I still call you_  
_When I've got nothing to say_

But she kissed back for a split second. Jackie would swear on her life she had felt the soft lips move against her own chapped ones. Hadn’t been able to stop feeling the phantom kiss against her lips for the past two days if she were honest. 

_The truth is that I still adore you_  
_And nothing really matters anyway_

Then everything happened so fast.

Jan pulled away with her deep blue eyes brimming with something that wanted to be anger but didn’t quite get passed heartbreak.

And before Jackie could blink, Jan was gone.

_And I won't get clothes online 'cause I get worried 'bout the fit_  
_That rule don't apply concerning my relationships_

It had been comfortable. 

This routine they had, not the stinging sensation traveling the length of Jackie’s arm now. 

It had been comfortable and easy in the way that it hurt with every exhale.

And Jackie had messed it up.

_See, I keep getting this stuff wrong, take me out, put me on_

She knew she had messed it all up because Jan still wouldn’t look at her even as she wrapped the bandage loosely around Jackie’s hand, taking special care not to linger on her skin too long, lest she do something silly like enjoy it.

Jackie almost loathed the bandage, wanting nothing more than for Jan to press down on the exposed cut, their raw skin stinging like a kiss. 

_Oh, these things, they have been playing on my mind_

She wanted Jan to hurt her back.

_The whole thing has been playing on my mind_

But Jan didn’t have the stomach to hurt other people.

_Oh, it's all been just playing on my mind_

That’s where she and Jackie differed.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m really enjoying this songfic format for little fics like this. I might keep them going just as a way to get something out rather than rushing to get out a full-on plot detailed fic. 
> 
> Let me know if y’all are interested in that or if I’m just being self-indulgent.


End file.
